"...desire, like hunger and sleep, cannot be willed, forced, or simply negotiated; it must arise out of a context of optimal conditions...I think that it is possible for couples to reconcile attachment and desire in their long-term relationships, but only when they are able to create a context for desire to thrive, even if only intermittently. This context must include the delicate balance of separateness and togetherness, responsibility and freedom, and transparency and mystery...Separateness, privacy, and mystery do not need to be dirty words in couple relationships; for many couples, these are actually the missing ingredients needed to foster or maintain passion." p. 240
Source: Scheinkman, Michele (2005). Beyond the trauma of betrayal: Reconsidering affairs in couple therapy. Family Process, 44(2).
"When people talk about their fears, often they're really pondering their values"
"Infidelity doesn't necessarily point to flaws in the relationship. Such partners see the affair as less a statement about the marriage than a statement about themselves. When we seek the gaze of another, it isn't always our partner we're turning away from, but the person we ourselves have become."
"I believe that genuine trust rests on our ability to tolerate what we don't know about the other, and as long as we're driven to uncover every detail, we can't trust."
"Most of us in the West today will have two or three marriages or committed relationships in our lifetime. For those daring enough to try, they may find themselves having all of them with the same person. An affair may spell the end of a first marriage, as well as the beginning of a new one."
Source: "After The Storm" by Esther Perel (2010)
I love to read and I am often moved by the words and insights of others. Here is a collection of thoughts, reflections, and ideas that resonate with me and inform my therapy work.